Close to You

Yusuf Achmad

Drawing closer to you, getting to know you deeply. It’s not like approaching an Arab maiden who is intelligent and generous. Or an experienced Nyamplungan teacher, a learned sage. There is no comparison, no matter how many experiences.

Knowing you is more than just learning about your traits. I don’t want to merely scratch the surface. Broad knowledge and bewildering schools of thought. Like searching for meaning within the holy book one holds dear.

There is still so much I don’t know, too much for me to grasp. Coming closer to you, I feel the depth of knowledge. The bitter taste of Ampel’s gahwa transforms. My awareness grows, not in vain.

I have failed many times to draw near to you. My heart was full of lust, stinginess, greed, feeling rich. Right, smart, great—mere illusions. I was just walking on a wide, winding path without direction.

Learning to walk, strengthening my legs, my eyes opened. Seeing mere deceptions. Learning from teachers, seeking wisdom. I understand the laws of life.

Flowing within the wisdom of the yellow book, my feet are gradually drawn in. Long reflections, steady strides, the heart pulls. Hips soaked in prostration, neck bowed, heart throbbing.

A sense of peace reaches the pinnacle of the heart, wetting every pulse. In the saints’ prayers. Always earnest like my grandfather’s pigeon in deep contemplation.

Seeping, sparkling, growing within a full soul. The dark heart stirred, point by point glistening. Trying to draw near, even for a second, a moment. Becoming more meaningful, persistent, embedded in the heart.

Surabaya, 21-7-2024